Buttface Meme Network
Live Bulletin 001 · in preparation
Wire
Dog still unaware■ Colour of the season announced; you already own it■ Man logging off seen online 40 minutes later■ Kitchen described as “fine”■ Two accounts enter day three of feud■ Someone’s 2019 post located■ Reassignment request acknowledged, not granted■

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Specimen · every name, quotation and candle is invented
Consumer · Recall16:40

Candle Recalled After Failing To Smell Like Anything

The manufacturer had described the scent as “linen, cedar, and the feeling of being perceived.” Independent testing found no scent of any kind. Refunds are being issued in the form of a different candle.

Consumer desk

Media · Unpublished02:14

Apology Video Located In Notes App, Unread

The document runs to 900 words and contains the phrase “holding space” four times. It has not been posted. Sources close to the draft say it may never be, and that this is probably for the best.

Media desk

Sport · Result07:15

Man Wins Argument In Shower, Four Days Late

The rebuttal, delivered aloud to an empty bathroom on Thursday morning, concerned a remark made at a barbecue on Sunday. It is understood to have been decisive. The opponent was not present, does not recall the remark, and has described the barbecue as lovely.

Sport desk

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